Dear Koala,
You know, I was looking at the cover to my album the other day, and I don't think "Like A Virgin" was a very good name for that song. Maybe "Like A Slut" of "Like A Tramp" would've been better
Madonna
Under a lamp post
Dear Koala,
Gut a new product? A new service?
give me a call, because I'll advertise for anybody. I mean ANYBODY. And if you're having some big special or ceremony or something, I'd be glad to host it. Hey, I could speak M your graduation.
Bill Cosby
Making the Rounds
Dear Koala,
There's a cow that lives on a farm. The cow gets some strange feed, becomes deranged, and starts eating chickens and goats. The cow grows to magnanimous proportions and starts to terrorize a midwest community, eating anybody that gets in his way. Call it The Cow. Waddaya think?
Stephen King
Testing the Waters
Dear Koala,
I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener, that is what I'd truly like to be. 'Cause if I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener, then I'd be full of horse hoofs and pig guts and all that other shit they put in hot dogs
David Horowitz
Being Dramatic
Dear Koala,
I mean, hey, if they're going to give the USA Today away for free, I'll take it.
A Guy On The Plaza
Revelle
Dear Koala,
I don't like Mountain Dew, in fact, I think it's awful. How can you drink that stuff? Just thinking about it makes me wanna puke. Bleah. Double bleah. Gag me. I'm sick. Barf. Ralph. Vomit. Nausea. It's really gross.
An Impressionable Girl
At Muir
Dear Koala,
I've been at this school for four years now, and y'know, I've finally figured out what a fascist is. I guess a fascist is just anybody that doesn't have the same political views as YOU do. Yes? I never realized how simple it was. It was like when a high school lit teacher finally told me what irony meant. Everything just fell into place after that.
Randy the Ape
Revelle Apartments
Dear Koala,
We don't care what Joe Watson does—this campus will never be dry as long as we're around.
The Sprinklers
On The Hump
Dear Koala,
What?! You found a dead fly in your trail mix?! That's impossible! We used the last of the flies for the cinnamon and raisin bagels!
The Braless Girl
Health Food Coop
Dear Koala,
Mmmmmmm. Aaaaaah! Oh, that tastes good. Full-bodied, golden and rich. See how it just frosts the glass like that? Thirsty? Want some? Long week and you've been waiting for the weekend, huh? Just kidding. Can't have any. HAAAA! Ha!
Joe Watson
At The Pub
Dear Koala,
I turned on the set the other night and that whatchamacallit—Pro Wrestling was on. I couldn't believe it. So I went and drank some of that, ah, ah, some of that boric acid. Yeah, that's the stuff! Anyway, it burned my throat so bad I had to go out in the yard and eat some cold dirt. Oooh, I hate it when that happens.
Willie
Preempted
Dear Koala,
Did you ever see someone spontaneously combust? Like in the National Enquirer? I wonder why I've never seen it happen. Maybe someday...
Waiting
Somewhere in Peoria
|
Dear Koala,
How can I get a job writing for Misfits of Science? It's my favorite show.
Serious
Argo 5
Dear Koala,
Do you think Sybil Shepard boinks? A lot? I mean, really a lot?
No One You Would Know
Hollywood
Dear Koala,
My roommate smells bad—really bad—but I don't know how to tell him. What do you suggest?
Away A Lot
HL Library
HL,
Don't say a thing. We figure you'll never have problems with your suitemates raiding your Fig Newtons, right? Count your blessings.
Dear Koala,
Why don't you change your name? You could even name the paper after another marsupial—The Wombat, maybe? Think about it.
Just a Freshman
In The EECS Lab
Freshman,
That's pretty funny. Why don't you just stay in the EECS Lab for the next four years, huh? Then you'll get out and make 30 grand a year at IBM, and we'll see who has the last laugh, Mr. Comedian. Besides, have you ever seen a wombat? We didn't think so.
Dear Koala,
Don't you hate it when you talk to someone and they know everything about everything you talk about? Then you go and find some really obscure facts, things like the gestation periods of members of the armadillo family, and they still know it all? I've had it. I hope they all combust spontaneously some day.
Better Now
Revelle Plaza
Butter,
We know exactly what you mean.
Dear Koala,
What's all this I hear about the University Report people being a bunch of commies?
Joe McCarthy
Just Wondering
Joe,
Their General Manager, Karl Marx, says nothing could be further from the truths We don't-know what to think.
Dear Koala,
How come there are so many "pre" words that don't make sense without the "pre"? I just don't get it.
Zeke
Nothing Better To Worry About
Dear Koala,
Why won't your Chancellor help me. I just want a baby—a bouncy boy. Or a girl. I'm not picky. Won't you talk to him? Please?
Frustrated
New Jersey
Dear Koala,
I get you into the best restaurants and pay for your meals. I take you shopping and buy you drinks. I footed the bill for the vacation to Hawaii. Why, I've even gone so far as to tattoo your name on my chest. What do I get in rturn? Virtually nothing. Oh sure, you sit on my face once in a while, and occassionally you bind me in some leather, but that just isn't enough. No more. I'm staying home tonight.
Your American Express Card
Still In(to) Leather
Dear Koala,
Why does Doc wear such ugly outfits on the Tonight Show? He can't be gay—they have better taste.
Concerned
C&R Clothing Stores
Dear Koala,
How come all the cute checkers work at Ralphs near campus? And why is, there no apostrophe in "Ralphs" anyway? Just what's going on here?
Eugene Nertz
Safeway |
Hello. Koala here. We think that everyone should be able to properly respond to a sneeze in seven languages. We think everyone should have fun while eating. We think it's OK to try to throw a football over La Jolla Village Drive while on Gilman, as long as it's pretty late at night. We think Peter Gabriel is pretty cool. We believe in fabrication. We like baseball. We believe in Roberto's. We think Don Mattingly deserves the American League MVP. We like to go bowling every once in awhile. We go swimming. We drive Slickmobiles. We like Hemingway. We're on fire. We like Butt State. We like to barbeque steaks and sit around and watch Monday Night Football, even if it's a shitty game. We like Eddie Murphy and Murray. We like the Terminator. We like Flo. We like Mickey Rourke ("And I like The Koala" --Mickey Rourke). We enjoy fantasizing about world peace and then playing Frisbee. We're always up for a good game of Twister. We can run really fast. However, our views do not necessarily represent those of the Regents, the Chancellor or your mama (whoever she may be). We like our address (B-023 Student Center, UCSD, San Diego, La Jolla, CA 92093). We also like our phone number (452-3616). That's about all we like. Remember: We're not here to be funny, we're here to offend.
The Koala
Editor-in-Chief
Chris Harrington
Production Manager
Kim Overman
Advertising Manager
Gerry Agerbeck
Senior Editor
Mark Diamond
Offensive Coordinator
David Mueller
On The Phone
Flo B. Weigand
Photo Editor
Martin Astl
Artist
Al Jennings
Workin' Like A Dog
Joe Desiderio
Should Be Sleeping Like Log
Joe Desiderio
Production
Kevin Muller
Kay Zuanich
Ace Bloom
Dave Mueller
Karen Costello
Budget Manager
Roxanne Ezzet
Staff
Passmore Sloane, Greg Dolge Doug Jones, Mark Sandknop Nicole Martin, Kurt Schlicter Andy Zuckerman, Steve Caccam Pat Janowski, Matt Goodin Ted Chough, Pat Duffy |
