Fall 1985, Issue 1

Drug scandal rocks UCSD IMs

by Marc Sandknop

Scandal rocked the UCSD campus as investigative hearings probing the shady underworld of drug use among intramural athletes resumed yesterday. Would be jocks, in exchange for immunity from prosecution and four units of upper division credit, continued to give testimony that, in the words of one observer, made professional baseball look like "a tea party."

The athletes painted a sordid picture of drug-crazed people wearing cleats." Among the more disturbing examples of sickness and depravity:

The first base coach who, in an effort to get his runners to beat out throws to the bag, would dangle bundles of cocaine just beyond first base.

A drug dealing quarterback who never got sacked because opposing players were afraid of injuring him and losing their drug supply.

The innertube waterpolo team that would regularly eat Quaalude and smoke marijuana before their games. In one staggering example of athletic ineptitude, they lost a game by the score of 344 to zero. After the game one of their opponents made this comment; "They were like sitting ducks, only more flaccid."

An ultimate frisbee team that had a number of pre-med students on its roster. The pre-med students would regularly give their teammates "speedball" injections and during the regular season they were unstoppable, earning the top ranking with a 8-0 record. Their downfall came when their first round playoff match was scheduled during 'the day. The injections caused abnormal dilation of the pupils which, during their regular season night games, they were able to tolerate. In the brighter sunlight however, their eyes were wasted organs unable to see the frisbee.

The hearings were initiated by Vice Chancellor Joe Watson in response to the Erica Lurch incident, During a single A innertube water polo game last quarter, Lurch lost control of her innertube. She veered into the path of an oncoming opponent and in the ensuing collision four innertubes were capsized. Lurch was thrown from her innertube and sank to the bottom of the pool whereupon her hair became entangled in the drain cover. Lurch was trapped underwater for nine minutes before a pair of scissors could be found to free her. Lurch, who at the time was a promising AMES major, suffered irreversible brain damage and was forced to change her major to Visual Arts. She later admitted that she had snorted cocaine and split a case of Diet Coke with her teammates before the game.

According to seventh year senior Alex "Big" Thumb, it is not uncommon for entire teams to get loaded before a game. "My buddies and me would all meet someplace before we was supposed to play and like, you know, get totally wasted. We would take so many bong loads we would be practically farting the smoke out of our butts, you know? We also did lotsa other drugs and we never worried nothing about our athletic performance because like, we always knew the other team was just a twisted as we was, you know?"

Muir sophomore Mike Mueller related to the shocked panel how huddles during flag football games were little more than drug stops. "It was never 'gimme the ball, gimme the ball' in the huddle. Instead, everyone would be screaming 'gimme a hit, gimme a hit.' We were always so busy snorting coke and popping pills we never had time to make any plays. I don't think we completed a pass the entire season."

Broomball specialist Trish Curry commented that bizarre drug-induced behavior is no longer the exception, it is the rule. She told the panel about a roommate who had a close call during an ultimate frisbee match. "She caught the disc and for some reason got confused. She thought the frisbee was a large amphetamine and she, tried to swallow it. Only the timely application of the Heimlich maneuver saved her life."

Jon "Hack" Flemm warned the panel that any student playing intramural sports could fall victim to the pernicious influence of drugs. 'The a, peer pressure to take drugs and the easy access to drugs make the intramural athlete highly susceptible. Drug addition cuts across all walks of life, with no regard to race, age, or social background. In the eyes of drugs, everyone is equal. Except, of course, rich people who are able to buy better quality drugs than poor people like myself."

The hearings have established beyond a doubt that a drug problem exists in UCSD's intramural sports program. What remains to be seen is whether or not something can be done about it. The panel must now discuss the evidence they have heard and come up with a solution to a problem that Vice Chancellor Watson calls "the worst thing to happen to UCSD since alcohol and birth control pills." Watson also responded to the cries of some that he is on a crusade to make the campus a bastion of morality. "I am not conducting a witch hunt here. I am merely trying to help some students who are in some serious trouble. Everyone knows that college students are a bunch of irresponsible, beer guzzling, fornicating, pill popping anarchists who would love nothing better than to pull the rest of our society down to some depraved level. I can understand that. I used to be a very excitable youth myself. All I am attempting to do is give the students a little bit of needed guidance."

The panel has tentatively announced that they will make their findings known by the third week of the fall quarter.

Truck Driving school rejected Will our newest college be a bartending school?

by Brian Barmettler

. Thursday it was announced that UCSD's long awaited fifth college will be a bartending school. The announcement came from UC Regent 'David Burke. The news was a surprise to many who thought the college would be an engineering or computer school. Burke explained the decision, "We wanted this fifth college to be a practical one. Job studies indicate that by the year 1988 there will be a need for bartenders. This is in contrast to the computer, engineering, and medical fields which are already overcrowded and are predicted to only get worse. So what's the point of training a student for four years for a job that doesn't exist? That is why the Regents selection committee backed out of that law school merger last year. We didn't think a law school at UCSD was practical. There are already too many ambulance chasing lawyers just waiting to sue someone. Do we really need anymore."

Actually, the bartending school was not the committee's first choice. They had tried to acquire the Truckmaster School of Trucking early in June, but ran into problems. One major difficulty was parking. As each big rig took up ten to fifteen parking spaces and up to 25 of the "small car" spaces. Another problem was insurance. During a two week pilot program in May a student lost control of an eighteen wheeler in the Revelle parking lot, and completely smashed three cars and a poodle. The owner of the dog sued the school for a record $3.2 million. Burke is still remorseful about me incident, "We offered to buy the guy a new dog. But he turned us down and sued us. I really had my heart set on that truckdriving school, but now we have to settle for a bartending school."

The American Bartending School has been hired to help set up the new facility. Jack Tianno, president of the American Bartending School, commented on the subject, "My job is basically to give advise on the design of the institute and its location

The location of the college is still undetermined. The location will be decided upon by a local committee made up of the four college Provosts, and Assistant Vice Chancellor Bert Rolin. Bert is acting head of the committee. The college is expected to be finished by 1988, but Bert has a plan to complete it sooner. "I'd like to see us put the Bartending School in an already built facility. I think that building over past Third college parking lot would be ideal. They call it Center for the Americas, or something like that. Well they don't teach classes there or anything. I mean they really have no connection with the university. They don't even let students use their parking lot. So I say boot 'em out of there. What's the point of studying Latin American relations anyway, they're screwed up. So I say put the bartending school in there and start teaching classes by next quarter."

What courses the school will offer has not been determined. If completed this year it will put out it's own supplement to the UCSD course catalog. Revelle announced that it will add a bartending class to it's general education requirements. "It will add breadth and help form the well rounded person we strive to create at Revelle," remarked Revelle Provost Dr. Frank N. Stein. "Besides we already have so many requirements, that it makes it easy to slip this one in without anyone noticing."