Newspaper

And in this corner...

by Marc A. Sandknop

History is filled with famous rivalries. The Christians vs. the Lions. England vs. France. Ali vs. Frazier. Coke vs. Pepsi. Joe Watson vs. Fun. Now there is another rivalry ready to make its mark on history—The Guardian vs. The University Report. It is a classic match-up of the Old Pro versus the Brash Newcomer. What makes the match-up even more interesting is the fact that they are both attempting to attract the same readers while employing a similar journalistic style—crisp, incisive, provocative prose marred only by, mild ignorance and the lack of guts to make a firm stand on anything controversial.

The rivalry, both papers insist, is a friendly one. "We welcome the competition," smiled Guardian News Editor Sean Wagstaff as he calmly loaded teflon-coated bullets into his pearl-handled .357. "It'll keep us on our toes."

U.R. General Manager John Elliott agreed: "We realize that we are the new kids on the block, so we have to treat The Guardian with a certain amount of deference and respect. I have nothing but the highest regard for The Guardian. Oh, excuse me, could you please hand me that fuse that just rolled under your chair?

One contrast between the two papers is their respective locations. The Guardian can be found on-campus among a serene group of eucalyptus trees, moats and sand bags. Inside the news office the staff seems unconcerned about their new rival as they go about their duties in their bright camouflage uniforms while whistling bouncy war tunes and sharpening their bayonets. "The University Report is like a little brother," observed Guardian Feature Editor Renee Warwick. "You have your fights once in a while, but you really love each other."

In contrast to the natural idyll of The Guardian, The University Report calls Sorrento Valley home. The U.R., with its surveillance cameras and anti-tank artillery, fits right into the bustling high-tech atmosphere of Sorrento Valley. "We like. it here." Christine Milke said as she surveyed the surrounding landscape. "It is close to the printer, free from the University's regulations, and it's easy to defend." Both papers laugh at the rumors that there exists some kind of "war" between the two. "It's ridiculous," laughed Guardian Editor Phil Willon. "Some people are saying our parking lot renovation is a defense line. That simply is not true. Those big cement mounds are just planter boxes."

"If I had a dollar for every rumor I heard, I'd be a rich man," sneered Joe Desiderio as he supervised the finishing touches on the U.R.'s 15-foot electrified, barbed-wire fence. "This is a serious paper. See those people over there?" he asked, pointing to a group of people unloading ammunition from a supply truck. "Those are journalists, people who govern their actions by a strict code of ethics. The very idea that they would do anything underhanded is repugnant."

Even though the new school year has just started, students are already taking sides. When asked about which paper he preferred, Senior Gil Genel snarled, "I hate them both."

So now it is just a waiting game. UCSD can only look on as the two papers dig in, sharpen their pencils and take aim at each other.

"It'll be an honorable battle," Guardian writer Matt Cronin vowed. "Geneva Convention rules: No nukes, no gas, and we honor white flags."

All we at the Koala can say is...May the best rag win.