Spring 1985, Issue 3

Lame Movie Review

`Moving Violations' violates the senses

by Kurt Schlichter and Matt Goodin
Koala staff

Ok, we are not happy. Until now we had never encountered a movie that was too stupid, too pointless to review. Perhaps about ten shots of Bacardi rum would help. Anyway, we hope this review will make our inner feelings - one of which is nausea - known about this movie. Please excuse any portions that don't make sense, but the damn movie didn't either.

This week's exercise in cinematic trauma is Moving Violations. Neither of us remembers it very well because the human mind blocks out traumatic experiences. We'll just have to make it up as we go along, like the film's writers did. This formula teenager's comedy ripped off so many other movies, like Stripes, Animal House and Bodacious Ta Tas that it should be renamed Copyright Violations. The thing is that they forgot to rip off the funny parts. Stripes' credits were better than this whole movie.

Placing blame where blame is due, we'll start by ragging on the "star", John Murrary. Could it be that he got the part because he's Bill's brother, or were the producers looking for someone with no talent? Bill and John have a lot in common: they look the same, talk the same and sign their checks the same. They are two quite different people though. Bill is, for example, funny, while John is just fat.

Sometimes a movie is so pathetic that we would actually rather be doing something else, like playing lint soccer. This is one of those movies. That's how bad John Murray is. He's about as convincing as Alan Alda playing Dirty Harry. He has all the skill and talent of the Houston Oilers. We should not say that it's all John's fault. The writers, and we use the word loosely, have crafted one of the stupidest scripts we have ever seen. That would be ok if it were funny, but the audience just shook their heads. The plot concerns a bunch of misfits in a driving school run by an obnoxious authority figure. Don’t confuse that with such plots as a bunch of misfits in the army or in college and who have an obnoxious authority figure. Anyway, what ensues is about as funny as a colostomy bag, which we were surprised not to have found as a joke in the movie. We are treated to Stacy Keach in bondage, people being pulled out of toilet stalls and car chases that would embarrass Knight Rider. Let's just say that it's really stupid, If you want to see it, go ahead, but don't say you weren't warned.

Today in the paper, we saw an ad for a new breakin' epic, Rappin ("The Street Sensation That's Sweeping the Nation"). We saw that the lead was played by Mario Van Peebles, one of this world's worst actors. He was the guy that looked like Grace Jones in Exterminator 11. 'Now, for the first time, we will rap out a review to a movie that even we will not see:

Rock to the rhythm, rap to the beat, when the curtain goes up, make your retreat.

Mario Van Peebles is the star, His career will not go far.

All these breakin' movies are the same, they give a bad name to the word `lame'.

All these movies suck, you know it's true you don't have to see them to hate them too.

Lack of talent only plays a part Gross stupidity is just the start.

If they gave it five minutes of thought they would double the amount of plot When they find out, they will be sad, but breakin' was just a fad.

Maybe they just didn't hear, but we'd suggest new careers. There are those who think these movies are fun, we only get an urge to run.

Alright, now we aren't poets, but you don't have to tell us because we already know it.