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The Koala FileNewsline For those of you who are used to 16 page Koala's, this little eight-page number might be a dissapointment. But, hey, we're dissapointed too, and we'll tell you why: Thanks to the AS Council, our little `ol organization finds itself pretty strapped for cash. We'd like to print free student personals, we'd like to print more IM sports, more articles, and more party reviews, but the AS Council, working conscientiously to protect student interests, recently terminated our mutual advertising contract, costing The Koala over 300 bucks, and costing you an extra eight pages of humor. Why did the Council terminate our contract? Well, for those of you who didn't read the most recent AS Bulletin (and we know that everybody reads the Bulletin) which appeared in The Koala, here's the story: We changed the Bulletin. That's right, in our continuing efforts to initiate mob rule and overthrow the Council, we added a few lines to some job descriptions which were in the Bulletin. Working under the mistaken impression that the Council had a sense of humor, we attempted to make a dull ad more entertaining and memorable. Bad move, Koala. Deciding that the altered ad was more than the students of this campus could take, the AS Council terminated our contract, reneged on 300 bucks, eliminated their own source of cheap advertising, cost student organizations which use the ad some free advertising denied students who read the ad of some information, and cost us and you an extra eight pages per issue. Oh, well. No doubt our special "Kiss up to the AS Council Issue" will eliminate any future funding problems. Letters Dear Koala You know how it is sometimes when, like, some bike riders take off the front wheel to lock up their bikes? Well, like, I don't understand how they ride like that. I mean doesn't, like, the front part get scraped up on the ground or something? Cindy Shriver Dear Koala, (scrape scrape) Ouch! (rinse, scrape scrape) Ow! (rinse scrape rinse scrape rinse scrape) Son of a ...! (rinse scrape scrape) Aargh! Shit! Shaving with a Dull Razor Song How come you guys are always asking for more! High AS IQ The Koala has recently learned that MENSA, the famous organization for persons having Intelligence Quotient exceeding 150, has as its members the entire AS Council. MENSA also reports that out of the entire UCSD student enrollment, every MENSA life member happens to also be a member of the current AS Council. "The average IQ of the ASUCSD member is 182, the lowest is 167, and the highest is 198 (Mary Rose Alexander). These findings are truly remarkable, and it is an honor to have these fine young persons as members of our organization." When asked the reasons for the exceptional readings, an AS Council spokesperson reported, "Breeding. It's genetic. It's like breeding full-bred poodles for generations; if you get a bulldog in there somewhere due to an unknown romp in the kennel, the breeding is destroyed. Oh, yeah, also work games and puzzles. Lots of puzzles. I think I remember playing difficult math games while still in the womb, but I can't prove it. But everyone knew that when I was born, I was bestowed inherently with remarkable leadership qualities. I kept hearing `prodigy' this, `prodigy' that; I got really sick of it." Although The Koala was always aware of the remarkable intelligence of the current ASUCSD, the findings were a bit surprising. The Koala wishes to thank our Maker for giving us the foresight to elect such strong leaders with such outstanding IQ's. |