Fall 1989, Issue 3

Lists

Top five ways to earn a place in Hell
1. Eat meat on Fridays
2. Rip the tag off your mattress
3. Become a Regent
4. Kill randomly
5. Sell enough Girl Scout cookies and WIN!!

Top five reasons for ditch in front of Muir dorms
1. Insta-Graves for disgruntled jumpers
2. Cave-in from the Freshman escape tunnel
3. A moat for "Pat's Palace"
4. Latest installment of the Stuart collection
5. New "K-House" residential suites

Top five WORST lists ever run in The Koala
1. Top 5 aneurysms
2. Top 5 all-night bookstores
3. Top 5 circumcised Presidents
4. Top 5 paper cuts
5. Top 5 worst lists ever run in The Koala

Top five cool things about new Keystone beer
1. It tastes like bottled beer in a can!
2. It tastes great on the can!
3. Cheaper than yo mama
4. Fortified with 8 essential vitamins and minerals (and alcohol)
5. After 14 of 'em, you forget it's Keystone

Top five reasons I'm writing this list
1. It's because
2. I like to type and
3. SO I CAN USE THE "SHIFT LOCK" KEY
4. And put things in point size 6
5. And because I have the power to manipulate minds.

Top five things to say to a supermarket checker
1. "I'm two cents over? Hold on a sec, I just gotta finish these Ho-Ho's."
2. "No, you idiot, the birth date is right there under the Seal of Puerto Rico."
3. "Martini. Shaken, not stirred."
4. "I'd like to buy a winning Lottery ticket, please."
5. "Hey, babe, weigh this banana."

Top five mishaps at the Soviet Arts Festival
1. Russian Dance Troupe accidentally crushes Mayor O'Connor's dog "Stirgess"
2. Repressed Soviet defects to State
3. San Diego's Finest accidentally shoots a Lithuanian boy mistaking him for a bag of crack
4. Olga Korbut and Mary Lou Retton get in nasty cat fight over Bip Roberts
5. Russian delegation starts rocking on orders from KGB radio

Top five things Earl Scheib will paint for under $99.95
1. Your Chevy
2. A bag of crack
3. Mrs. Scheib
4. V.A. majors
5. Lou Ferrigno

Top five reasons the Stones skipped San Diego
1. Thought the "crystal meth capitol of the world" would be too tempting for Richards
2. Monkeys at S.D. Zoo provided too much competition for Jagger
3. The Pope told 'em L.A.'s better for the babes
4. Jack Murphy stadium was booked for the Aztecs vs. Fitchburg State game
5. Wouldn't you?

Top five pirate sayings/ Fraternity rush events
1. "Harry!"
2. "16 men on a drunk pledge's chest!"
3. "Make em walk the plank"
4. "Shiver me timbers"
5. "Prepare to be boarded, Lubber!"

Top five ways to confuse a freshman
1. Bring a pool toy and play in the Price Center fountain
2. Hijack a skateboard
3. Walk backwards from class to class
4. Bring a gong to lecture and play along with the bells
5. Drink beer

Top five reasons trays are missing at Ocean View for dinner
1. Administration begins collecting "Tray Fees" Winter quarter
2. Poachers
3. They're in the Special
4. The tray deliverer couldn't afford a nighttime parking pass
5. "America's Most Wanted" hasn't caught the guy

Top five ways to disguise a sweat stain
1. Sweat evenly
2. Jump in the pool
3. Move to El Cajon and fit right in
4. Dark glasses and a moustache
5. Splash urine under your armpits

Top five things you find in your couch
1. Coins
2. Hostages
3. Popcorn that has passed you evolutionarily
4. Pets
5. Eternal Truth/ Crunch Tators (tie)

Top five ways to "lose it"
1. At a party
2. Throw it away accidentally
3. Drop it under the sofa
4. Don't use it for a while
5. Leave it behind in lecture

Top five things that UTC has that UCSD doesn't
1. Parking structures
2. Chicken bowls
3. A Business major
4. A "T"
5. Lower prices

Cartoons:

Well, Cyko told us to t.p. Council Travel. So we go out there and they're real dicks about the whole thing and totally uncool, so we point a few accusatory appendages in their direction and flee, only to return in the wee hours and do the deed. (Ya', right) Here is our now famous Koala Artist's Rendering of the event.

A Cartoon by Bill Robison