Fall 1989, Issue 3

Student Personals

Personals do not reflect the views of The Koala, and the contents are solely unsolicited student submissions.

To lovely Kim the Blonde french maid on fri. night 10/27: Your charming personality has me captive since that night. I truly hope to have the pleasure of meeting you again, soon. -signed the Safari Dude. (p.s. do you ever goto the Bulleyes pizza-pub?)

Dear gorgeous Nicole in the witch costume; you have bewitched me w/your beauty. I long to have a lustful encounter with you. -secret admirer.

To the person who saw fit to appropriate my backpack from Southeastern Revelle: I curse the day of your spawning almost as much as your mother does. You should be flayed alive and pelted with salt rocks.

Is it me or is Luke Skywalker always whining?

Jordi- Fm the spiderman. I'll have you for dinner tonight.

To all the little freshmen in Music 13- Shut your flagellating little faces during lecture, you disrespectful, aculturated gremlins. Sheesh, grow up at least!

To psychobud John C.-Have you gotten any better or are you still comparable? Love, those who will never lower themselves to find out.

It's all fun and games until someone knocks over a McDonalds sign or gets thrown in detox.

Rich M: Do you still study in HL? You should! From a friend and admirer

To the fratboy that gave me a hard time after Saturday's volleyball agme; Fuck You! I was there to have a good time and cheer on the team, not to deal with anal-retentive assholes like yourself.

Bernie: If you don't pay me back the $2.01 you owe me, I am going to tack my 95 theses to your chest with a switchblade! Steve

(Two Dollars...I want my two dollars)

The best thing about college is LED ZEPPELIN?!! Your parents aren't here, the women's parents aren't here, and all you can think about is MUSIC? Pull your head out of the sand and get a life!!

Dan-Fuck You, Matt.

Mickey-Are you feeling a little tense? Minnie Mouse

Tong-Get out of my life, why don't you?! Tong-Ping

"Love-Pro" and "Celibate"-When are we going midnight surfing? The Girls

Miss T: Look it's him! Breathe in, breathe out and go talk to him. He is human, too. I have figured that out about 'Sammy' and look where I am! Whoops-forget that-just do it!!

"Sako" (what an oh-so-bitchen name for a weak little shit) You are a short hag, do you think long hair will make up for it? Soon you will be my victim. The next party I see you at, I'm gonna wrap my bicep around you and pop your head like a zit. Your time will come.

IMP: I bring good tidings from Captain Nemo. I ache for your thighs. Let us set the two-backed beast free!!Respectfully yours, Big Purple Bus

Chuck- It is your choice, wake up and face reality, or get the fuck out of my life! Anyway, Doogie is where I get mine! HA!

Dearest John- The only thing I like about fighting with you is making up. Hope it doesn't happen too often(fighting, that is). And, I promise I'll try to not be too bashful. Looking forward to 5 and a miserable weekend. BQ

JP F. is a Gerbil Stuffer! Matt-Fuck you. Dan

Pilar R. "...I've looked at you in a sexual way in my life before.. and I've never waken up so desperately before..." (Check the lyric, stud-bagel. -The Eds.)

To the bleached blond gal in Physics 1A. I don't mean to stereo-type blondes but that is the dumbest do I have ever seen. Give it a rest and maybe our ozone layer will last a little longer.

Matt R. on the baseball team- You used to be so humble, when did you get so fucking conceited?

Craig-What makes you think we want to see your nappy, yellow, scaly feet for 2 hrs. a day? Wear socks next week, for everyone'sake. A Loyal Student

Amber-Thank you for the apology.

Senor A.S. Presidente: Chinga Tu Perro!! Tu Amante

Damien(or should I call you Mr. Omen?) All hope is lost!! Satan now possesses the soul of W. Paul Y. The holy-water Kool-Aid didn't stop me either.

Amy has the plague! Amy has the plague! Would you risk YOUR life by dating this woman? If not, then go ahead...set your friends up with her.(How's that A-House Amy? Get ready for those calls to start pouring!!)

I can't get no satisfaction.

For our sake please!! Mary!! Quit school now!! All I ask from a pizza is, no fish, no fungus.

Lolo-The time was perfect, the moment was right, How come you didn't stay the night? Walking you home, my feet got wet, Next time, I am tying you to my bed.-Spiff

Dave S.-If you don't stop making ripples in the pond, I'm gonna put my square peg in your round hole.

To the long nose poser who drives the black jeep with fog lights on top of it, why don't you dump the bitch with the tattoo on her left ass-cheek!

Omid: Can I sleep with your tattoo-butt girlfriend too? She seems to be very easy to get in bed with ...you pimp.

To the asshole who referred to UCSD women as participants in acts of beastiality- get a clue you moronic dick...obviously you have a serious self-esteem problem. Maybe the reason that you don't have any dates is because all UCSD women go to State so when we go out we don't get arrested for necrophilia. Get a life you slimy pig.

(Ed note: Not ALL UCSD women, but obviously this irate female believes so.)

To Dave, my Bio 10 TA— I want to floss my teeth with your backhair.

To the guy in my VA 60 class who thinks that he knows everything- You have stupid hair.

Golden Graham: So you thought you were having a heart attack after running. What is the matter, did you actually try to exert yourself, that would be amazing. What comes around goes around, I guess it was pay back time, Benedict Arnold. Everyone liked your little act. M.H.

You know that HL has gotten to you when you resort to writing Koala personals to amuse yourself!

To the beautiful babe who blows bubbles in Chem. 6B. I love to watch your sensuous lips wrapping boldly around your bursting bubbles . I want to behold your bubble-licious buns and blow my bubbles all over your bodacious body...A Boy With A Boner

(Note to Ed.-Please print this; If I can't get a B in 6B, then maybe I can get a BJ!!)

To the Assholes who threw water balloons at me in the parking lot at Third on 10/26. You messed with the wrong person, you pathetic dicks. Beware..I Know Who You Are and I Work In The Cafe. HA HA. Bon Appetit, Shitheads.

Donna- You gnarly-assed, shaved-head, sick piece of urinating hemmorhoid. Why don't you take your attitude somewhere where you can find someone who wants to deal with your pathetic personality. Or better yet, go back to wherever it is you came from-maybe more people will like you better there.

MARK-Ijust couldn't stand to see you graduate without the slightest Koala fanfare. -Big A

(Koala says- Hoorah, Hoorah. Horns and whistles and much congratulations. You must be terribly old.)

D.S.B. Question: What happens to an existentialist two years after humanities... He becomes your boyfriend.

To Nora in Tenaya's B-House: Nora proclaims that you will see God, if you ever experience her bod. But, the thing of it is, She's never had jis, So would she know what to do with a rod? Touche Babe! FJR

This is a cheesy way to get something in every issue, eh?

Thor's joke no.1: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A whore will sleep with anybody; a bitch will sleep with anybody except you.

Thor's joke no.2: How does a (*Guardian staffer's*) mother know when her daughter is on the rag? Her son's dick tastes funny.

Women's V-Ball team-- Fuck'n awesome. 'Nuff said.

To Dana & Stephen: HAPPY BIRTHDAYS FROM THE KOALA. I'M SURE WE DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU TO EXPERIENCE THEM WITH CLOUDED MEMORIES.

Fuck you all. I am the king.

To my professors who wouldn't let up when I was sick during midterms: May you die a thousand deaths from this virus, each time descending into a deep pit of urticant demons who devour you slowly as you scream for mercy. Apache Joe

Fact: Did you know that guys get P.M.S. in larger doses and with more frequency than do girls?

M.S.C. -You're stuck in the anal stage! But in a good way.

For no. 13 on the waterpolo team- When you score your amazing goals, it makes my heart skip a beat. Let's get ice-cream. Love, Mary.

Dead-Beat, so I see you got what you have been dying for, and we can see how we were used, so you could get it. Well, I hope milking those Barry's is worth it. Some people used to think you were a friend. Be friendly.

To the group seeking the Anti-Christ: Let me know (in the Koala) when you find it. The very mention of those words brings back memories of the greatest challenge my lungs ever faced. -Dreaming of Genie.

Gary, Hey sexy! Wanna cookie? Uh-uh! You'd better not- you're already on the Health Centers Wanted List. (You beast!) When are we playing the game again? Your roommates better not call anymore - if they do, we'll just have to tell them you're tied up at the moment.

Alex, you're a goddamn preppy and you know 4. Do you have stationary with little scotch terriers on it?

To the person who stole my cassette recorder at HL on 10/24: FUCK YOU!! WE know who you are and are planning revenge.

To the Red Head No. 2 on Men's Soccer, by watching the way you dominate the field, I can only suspect that your balls are immensely huge, swolen, pulsating organs of flesh. If so, let's get together so you can show me a few of your moves and I can practice on my ball work. From The Squeal

There once was a guy named Scooter who needed to get some Pweter. Then along came a chick named Hooter. So off they went without a click, and boy could Scooter make that Pweter Hooter.

To the girl with the itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny, black-on-pink polka dotted seaty. We can do some finger painting with my black and your pink. You'll know who I am when you see me wink. We'll go for some dinner and have a few drinks. And hold each others hands and then we will link. -Spotted Fever

Indy, well, hopefully you won't bite it next week. Call me- something's happening that has to do with why I wanted to know if those lights were from Palmdale or Canyon Country. And why I like maps. -Jones

Women of UCSD: Beware- there have been three sexual assaults on campus so far, take precautions.

Rapist(s) of UCSD: Your actions are inexcusable, get some profesional help.

-Per Caroe Koala Budgetary Manager

John, the guy on the crutches last year who I used to talk with on the lawn in front of HSS last year- Where are you? Karen

Gurinder, Get a real job, paper boy, and do something about your assholic attitude before WE do. Signed NOGURU Fan Club

To the young lady with the antlers. Hunting season wasn't in yet, but it is now. This hunter always eats what he hunts. You know who I am. Let's get together. Leave message at Koala

Brian D-House HA. Be nice and don't spend all your time ignoring us. Your ass is find and so are your thighs, your gorgeous female exsuitemates and Jen.

Teddy Bear- "Be good to yourself." It's a long and cold walk to Pepper Canyon, but always well worth it. --One who is "so very weird"

Gregory- Do I know you? -A Doug's Blender member

(Ed. note -- I don't know, who the hell are you?)

Life is a level-headed watermelon that looks ready to ear. Then you cut it open and it's moldy. Wait! That's not life, that's grocery shopping. -S, whose long hair is making him batty. Where is USA Today anyhow?

Lisa(KKG)- 'So are you to my thoughts as food to life, or as sweet-seasoned showers are to the ground' Shakespeare in Humanities

Frat, yeah FRAT, Miguel.

To the Psych 60 TA (SN) at 12noon - You are so beautiful. It's a pleasure to watch you in your tiny shorts talking statistics. You're the only reason I go to school on Monday. Will you marry me??!

Pumpkinhead- Forget the rice cooker, let's BBQ instead. P.S. my head does not come to a point and my teeth aren't big! -Woolie

To the girl who lost her pink notebook in Bio 15- You have the longest, sexiest legs I've ever seen. When your green eyes looked my way and you smiled, I swear my heart stopped.-unknown admirer

To the sexy stud at Third Dorms. Yea, you know who you are. Here's a tip on how to add some excitement to your life - dump that pathetic girlfriend of yours and ask me out. You know you want to...

Doug M.- Life's a pain here at UCSD. That's why you should practice S&M. JOIN US! Born-again Stoner

To Carrie in Physics 1B- Where are you? I haven't seen you for the past two quizzes. Did you elope with some other guy? I hope not. I'll find you anyways, I have connections. -the guy who's always late.

There is nothing wrong with friends sharing each others bodies. -C.L.(Fifth College)

Shauna, I look but I cannot see. I feel but you're nowhere around. What must I do for you to share a little of your life with me? - freefalling

Peter: Bio-chem transition state enhancer god- Will you thrust your SP-3 pineapple into my oxyanion hole? Baba baba 0000h baba! Yours eternally, chymotrypsin active site

Bachelors no. 2-12: Thanks for last night at my loveshack (baby!)! You were all hot. Bachelor 1: Are you still on hiatus? -SandraDee

Elizabeth, You're in trouble!!! The Boodgie M.

Nina C. Hope you're feeling better. Asthma Sucks. F.H.

To the guy at The Koala (Gregory?) that's looking for a girlfriend. I fit the description of the woman that you want-almost to a "T" -or so my friends say. My summer was almost exactly like yours including being told that I'm "like a sister." I too am looking for someone to spend the cold, lonely winter with. The problem is that I have no idea of what you look like. Since you already know almost what I look like (from your description) is that fair? Print a real picture or say a time and place where you'll be. After I see you...maybe we'll talk. -An unbeliever in men who want to commit!

(See the Editor's Box)

Dear Sandra the blonde- your sensuous lips cry out for a heated embrace. Lustfully watching you.

Kool K-WALLY T-Shirts coming soon. Watch for them, they're hot. $15.