Fall 1989, Issue 3

Hall Ball

by Warren Writing

Are you still stuck in the dorms, even into your 3rd year at UCSD? Do you often have hours upon hours of time to kill between your studies? Do you find the halls outside your room far too undamaged and unmolested for your personal tastes? Do you lack physical coordination? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should play Hall Ball. Hall Ball is very simple to play and learn. Here's how to get started:

Find time to play. Anytime you and someone else don't feel like doing whatever it is you're supposed to be doing, is a great time to play. (Note: you're not allowed to play with yourself in this game. If you really want to, try skateboarding.) In general, the later you play, the better. This isn't always true, however, when you want the hallways you play in filled with people; use your best judgment.

Find a place to play. A hall works best, though I suppose any stifling, claustrophobic space will do (i.e. almost any building on campus). I like playing in the Third dorms the best, primarily because the hallways there are not at all well suited for this sort of activity. There are sprinkler heads poking down every few feet, lots of glass windows, doors opening into living spaces, nooks and crannies in the walls, carpeting, ceilings with that white flaky cancer-causing stuff clinging to it, and people unaware of the game in progress.

Gather the stuff you need to play. Two rackets are needed, preferably unmatching rackets like one racquetball and one tennis racket or perhaps your roommate's doctoral thesis. A baseball bat will do in a pinch. A ball is necessary too; something like a tennis ball is ideal, but you can substitute racquetballs, baseballs, nerf balls, or matzoh balls. While not absolutely necessary to game play, gather all spectators and "refreshments" at this time too.

Here is how to play. Start knocking the ball back and forth between you and your opponent. After a little while, you'll find the ball's velocity increasing dramatically with every swing; don't let this scare you -- I've never broken any (of my own) bones playing yet.

Here is how to keep score. Every time you miss the ball and stop a volley, you get 2 points, except on Tuesdays, when you lose 3 points. Striking the other player with the ball so he says "Ow!" is a great tactic and nets you 35 points. If you can actually see a wound, award yourself another 13 points. Unless they are wearing sweats, knocking a spectator is worth a cool 8 points. This is not to be confused with hitting an innocent bystander, blissfully unaware of the game in progress. Knocking a bystander is 4 points unless there is a "w" in his/her name and their neck size is less that 13 1/7. In this case, deduct as many points as the number of letters in your middle name. Brushing the dandruff off the ceiling is only worth 4 points unless you are able to catch some of it in your mouth, in which case you are awarded as many points as the number of keys on the nearest computer keyboard (function keys excluded, of course). If your shot breaks any sort of glass, count the number of shards on the ground and collect as many points. If you just cracked the hell out of it, collect 1 point because it's still one piece of glass. Hitting a sprinkler head is worth zip, unless you knock it so hard you set it off, in which case you get as many points as the current day of the month, unless there are 31 in the month. If this is so, you only get 5 points. Each crack in the wall is as many points as it is long, in decimeters

Here's how to win. Keep track of your own points, taking care to be accurate. This is extremely important, especially because score isn't at all related to winning. The first person to stop playing FOR ANY REASON loses. If you have to go to the bathroom, or you are called away, you automatically forfeit. Even answering your own phone ends the game; shrewd players will undoubtedly use this against their opponents and arrange for someone to call them during game play.

Anything else? The roaming security guards I've met all love to watch, so be sure to invite them over whenever you play. They'll be glad you did.

THE EERIE COINCIDENCES

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