Fall 1989, Issue 3

Ask Dr. Science

by Douglas Crews C.L.,H.L.,H.U.L.,G.H.,F.O.A.D.

Koala Staff

Hay to Mr. Science: What is 16÷5?

Expectant
Pacing the floor at H.L.

Dear Expectant-No-More:
You have made several errors in Dr. Science social graces. Your first mistake was that you were obviously on drugs when you wrote this, and you didn't share with Dr. Science. And don't try to tell me the editors took it, that's what everyone says (Hmmmmm). Your second mistake was in format: all submissions to Dr. Science must be printed on an 8 1/2" x 11" piece of graph paper folded into an airplane of your choice and addressed to: "Dear Dr. Science, God-King of Comedy". The G.-K.O.C. part is usually removed by the editors, since it's obviously redundant. All submissions should be accompanied by a suitable administrative fee in denominations of $5, $10, or quarter-ounces. This also is removed by the editors. Despite your obvious lack of any social skills, Dr. Science will deign to enlighten you.

The formula x = 16/5 can be approximated by the equation

(Dr. Science must apologize for lapsing into handwriting, but the state-of-the-1952-art XK-1 Koala typesetter/punching bag cannot print integral signs, derivative signs, exponents, or much of anything else.)

Plugging this in my HP-41CX hand-held Instrument of God (with PENEX-1 penis extender module), the answer comes out:

x = Data Error

There you have it, X. The quantity 16/5 is not defined in our universe. Try universe B-13 just down the block. They might be able to help.

Dear Dr. Science:
I don't care how erotic it is. I'm tired of kicking you and that stuffed armadillo out of my bed every morning. You're not the same man since your calculator was stolen. Goodbye forever.

your girlfriend
eloping to Vegas with Al Shenk

Dear Main-Squeeze-No-Longer:
What makes you think you're enough woman for The Math God? Sure, you can integrate arctangent(x) in polar coordinates, but unless you know the instantaneous radius of curvature of an ellipsoid as a function of temperature, don't expect to survive the wedding night nuptials. It's a sad story, but one we've all seen before.

Hey, kids! Do you have a question concerning science and technology, or a problem with a major appliance, or a bust measurement of 36 or more? Just follow the above guidelines (don't forget the bribe) and drop it (did I mention the bribe?) in the Ask the Koala envelopes (making sure to include the bribe) all around campus. Dr. Science cannot guarantee that he will be able to answer your question in the Koala. Dr. Science cannot guarantee he will be able to answer your question at all. Dr. Science cannot guarantee that he's not a disembodied brain and that you're all the systematic constructions of some mad scientist. In fact, that would explain a lot. Naaaah, not even the most dastardly of the mad scientists would inflict Dan Quayle on an unsuspecting world.

A.S. Holds Vital Meeting

Minutes from the last A.S. meeting:

1. Roll Call.
2.  
3. Matt Schnurer goes to the bathroom.
4.  
5. Matt Schnurer returns.
6.  
7. Adjournment.

Party Reviews

Dead Man's Party at the Dead Guy's Place
Friday, 10/13, on Mt. Herbert in Clairemont

The first thing I learned when I walked into the house was that it was being rented from the wife of a meth dealer that had been murdered two months prior. I got to see the blood stains where he was shot, and the trail where he crawled and died. It was a foreshadow to the bizarre events that followed.

This wasn't just a party; it was a five-act show. The ratio was almost even, and the 11 kegs, mixed drink bar, and great music selection kept everything moving. By the time the cops broke it up at 11:30 pm, there were about three hundred people.

The party resumed at 12:30 am with about fifty people. Numerous sideshows kept everyone constantly entertained. There was Wes the drunk Swede whose mystic mumblings and aggressive stumblings kept everyone on their toes. He was so good that he came back for nine of ten encores. There was Francesca, who ran out of the house screaming and didn't return until after four hours and three search parties. There was Buck, who got really drunk, hit on everything in a skirt, and then took two hours to pass out -- forty minutes of it with his face in a trashcan. There was a four-hour soap opera that started with a really great fight and continued with arguments and plenty of crying girls.

I finally left around 4:30 am, already able to feel my hangover. This was the party that wouldn't die for anyone, and I'll be sure not to miss the next one! (Especially since Darryl still has to smoke me out...) It gets...

Traveling Circus' "Dressing Up Sucks" Halloween Bash
Off of Eastgate Mall, Sunday Oct. 29

Whoo-boy, where to start? The bring-a-sixer-beginning-with-the-firstletter-in-your-last-name theme was a hit (honors going to some guy's "Lucifer Beer"), the "Circus Punch" was horrifyingly potent, and the ratio of volleyball players to non-volleyball players was an easy 15-1. Everything got plastered: the guests, the walls (at one point with the remnants of a very tasty 4-layer chocolate cake), and especially the hostesses -- who were, however, alert enough to make sure that my cup was filled at all times. Overcame a slow start with a vengeance, and worked its way to a finale of drunken singalongs. An impressive effort, especially for a Sunday night during midterms, as this puppy earns a good...

ZBT-Delta Sig Halloween Party
Some Warehouse in Kearny Mesa, Tue. 10/31

The only thing impressive about this party was that almost everyone was dressed up, (and there were some impressive costumes, such as the trekkie girls, the Exxon Valdez, and our hero Pledge Pin). However, the people in general where down right unsociable. Perhaps it was the excessively steep cover charge ($4--almost enough to get into a real night club) combined with the rumors that they broke even with the pre- ticket sales; or perhaps it was the over crowdedness, giving the distinct feeling of being cows in a tiny corral, which mutilated the ambiance. If one was big enough or lucky enough he/she/it (peoples choice here) could have gotten a brewsky. Most certainly the most exciting event of this party was watching some dude have an "epileptic fit", second to watching individuals attempting in vain to locate any facsimile of a lavatory. In other words this party rates:

Annual Halloween Party
Sat., 10/28 on Hydra and Camino Ruiz

The boys have done it again. The line was to the street, all had costumes, & the kegs flowed well. Ratio was perfectly fair, and although there was not the traditional open bar for which these party givers are known, a garbage-can-o-booze sufficed. Believe it or not, the decorations actually deserve a mention-very impressive. I bumped into Laura, who I hadn't seen in years, and seeing Bill in his "Bob's Big Boy" outfit was in itself worth the three dollar cover. It all ads up to:

A second opinion: Although it was a bit crowded and the cover charge approached an unreasonable amount this party was the party to have been at this last Halloween weekend. Good danceable music and fantastic decorations, especially the "dungeon walls". This was the best party I've been to all quarter. It was truly worth the 4 skull rating it got.

LEROY'S LATEST LINE

By Leroy

(Leroy is currently 27-0)

What Does Bo Know?

LEROY'S ANALYSIS...Bo knows baseball. Bo knows football. Bo knows basketball. Big fucking shit. But what does Bo know about the English language? Can Bo talk? Does Bo know that the only thing he really knows is how to strike out? Hey Bo — did you know that playing two professional sports is going to take its toll...before you're 30? Bo, did you know that you're lame? Bo: what do you know?

BO DON'T KNOW SHIT

*Official line from my ass.