Ethan's First Ed-Box

Geetings, readers. It is my happy duty to inform you that The Koala has once again changed editors. This being my first issue as editor, I'd like to use this space to be sincere for a moment and address a very serious issue that is deeply important to me: binge drinking. According to recent "studies," as much as fifty percent of college students are binge drinkers. These "studies" go on to cite binge drinking as the most serious drug problem on college campuses today. As editor of a campus publication, I feel obligated to use my position to voice agreement.
Not only does this predict roughly 9000 students here at UCSD alone who don't binge drink, the definition of binge drinking includes having a mere 5 drinks in a row. It is a disgrace to modern American education that we should have to lower our standards to this measly amount in order to balloon our ratings up to a miniscule 50%. According to the "research" department here at The Koala, less than 20 years ago over 90% of college students consumed at least 17 beers or shots of hard alcohol on a bi-daily basis. Furthermore, of that 90%, roughly 60% got in a knife fight at least once a month. Furthermore, only 6% lost.

Nowadays, however, most undergraduates don't even consider pounding 11 shots of Robitussin Maximum Strength Cough With "Da Curies wit Da Booty" to be an integral part of their college experience. I ask you, what's to become of America if our future leaders lack the essential shouting and vomit-management skills provided by binge drinking? Also, Keystone is an important source of valuable minerals and essential fiber.
Anyway, I'll close by saying that, as you read the issue, I hope you'll take a moment to reflect on the gravity of the binge drinking problem. I urge you all to get involved and stop this trend before it's too late. I hope every one of you will follow The Koala's footsteps by holding quarterly binge-drinking contests against campus organizations, and whooping their pansy asses. Only you can make a difference.