SLAP YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD UNTIL YOUR ASS BE LEANING ALL DIAGONALLY LIKE

By E-Dogg

Have you ever read the newspaper or listened to the radio and come upon a censored word? I like to try to figure out what word is being censored. Usually it's easy, "We don't love them --'s, we out tha do'." or " Clinton responded by saying that the accusations are total b------ t." But sometimes there's an expletive that's nearly impossible for me to decipher, such as in "I hardly R---ed my [kitchen table]" or in the song lyric "I never leave home without my [bleep]." What word is that? What obscene thing could you leave home without? Personally, I never leave home without my fucking shit, but maybe this singer prefers to take her ass-bitch wherever she goes. Find why is it that every other word is censored these days? I heard the phrase, "G-Spot" deleted from a song the other day. G-Spot. Now, who's going to be offended by that? Often, an obscene word will be played backwards instead of omitted. If you play a record with this type of editing in reverse, every word will be censored except the obscene ones.

I recently tried to quit smoking by using nicotine gum. Nicotine gum comes in a variety of types. There's the regular 2 mg dose and also a 4 mg form (for better bubble blowing). It's unfiltered, but those who prefer that filter effect can leave the wrapper on. For the people who like to smoke ultra light cigarettes, nicotine gum can be purchased in a similar ultra light form called "Wrigley's Spearmint Gum".

The gum comes with an instruction manual. One would naturally (and incorrectly) assume that this manual would contain tips to quit smoking. Instead, it seems to try to drive people back to cigarettes. For example, one "tip" states that nicotine gum should be chewed "...whenever you experience cravings, such as right after dinner," while another pointer cautions that "...nicotine gum should not be chewed less than 15 minutes after eating or drinking." Yet another pearl of wisdom instructs the user to "...use the gum as frequently as necessary, some smokers may have to chew 24 or more pieces per day." On the next page, a large boldface entry warns "DO NOT EXCEED 24 PIECES PER DAY" The most obvious attempt to prevent smokers from actually quitting can be found in the instruction: "Do not use if you have health problems." How many smokers don't fall into this category? None, that's how many.

But, despite this flaw, I enjoy using nicotine gum. My only complaint is that my car ashtray keeps getting stuck. Seeking to cash in on the sale of alternatives to drug addictions, 1 have created a few other gum products in an attempt to become rich:

Heroin gum: Featuring a liquid center, heroin gum is the product to buy to kick the habit of shooting up. This product is available without a prescription, and the fact that it's legal means that millions of children can easily become hooked, thus feeding my gigantic heroin empire.

THC gum: There isn't actually a primarily addictive chemical in pot, nor would there be any reason to want to quit pot, but it's nice to be able to get high while in class without having to step outside.

Cowshit gum: Although this doesn't seem to sell very well, I've kept it on the market because if anyone is addicted to Cowshit, they need to quit.

Since I'm on the subject of cow manure, I want to know something about T.G.I. Friday's: What's the deal with the dumb hats the servers wear? I have enough problems dealing with their inflated prices for shitty food without putting up with receiving the shitty food from some man wearing what appears to be a large watermelon on his head. I wonder if these people even had to apply for their jobs. I bet that most of them just happened to walk into T.G.I. Friday's and the manager said "Hey, that's a really stupid looking hat! You're hired." Find what's with the "birthday ambiance" anyway? I refuse to have a good time eating crappy food in what appears to be someone's attic while employees wearing stupid hats and hundreds of buttons tie balloons to me whenever 1 let my guard down. Why do they do that? Anytime they hear someone mention that it's somebody's birthday, they won't rest until that person is being floated away. Are they paid based on how many balloons they tie? One afternoon, my friends and I went to T.G.I. Friday's to try and eat away our hangovers. Before our waiter had come, there was already some guy with an enormous raccoon-skin cap trying to make us balloon animals. He refused to go away until I had burst every one of his balloons with the pin from one of his buttons.

Do you know what else doesn't make any sense? Lemons. It seems like every other cleaning product features "The Cleaning Power of Lemons". Who the hell figured out that lemons could clean anything? It's not like every time you get a stain on your shirt you run to the fruit bowl, "Well, this banana doesn't seem to be working, I'll try rubbing a lemon on it, instead."

I went to pay my rent the other day. Every month 1 go into the rental office, and every month I am amazed at the stupidity of the people who work there. When I gave my month's notice for moving out, I was given a form and instructed that I had to fill it out and bring it back. I responded by saying that I was under the impression that filling it out and throwing it in the trash was sufficient. The lady replied, "No, if you don't return it, 1 can't file it." No shit, you dumb whore.

That's it for this article, kids. Now get out of here before I have to slap you upside the head until your ass be leanin' all diagonally-like!!!