I grew up watching Today's interviewees on T.V. You probably did, too. Whether they were promoting good over evil, saving the day, or just plain kickin' back, their antics amused, delighted, and educated us. I'm pleased to announce that the Koala's Ear to the Street has recently gotten a chance to meet this Dynamic Duo known to the public as simply Bert & Ernie. Let's find out what makes them tick.
Koala: So, how are y'all doin'today?
Bert: Fine.
Ernie: I'm okay.
Koala: Whoa! One at a time, boys!
Bert: You're really weird.
Koala: So, let me get to the heart of things... There's a lot of rumors circulating that you two are... well... that you two are gay.
Ernie: Let me just say that that rumor is totally false. I've never had homosexual relations with anyone. I've never even been to camp!
Koala: Well, you've certainly set the record 'straight', so to speak.
Ernie: Bert's a queer, though.
Bert:To the break of dawn!
Koala: My, oh, my!
Ernie: Usually it's just Biff from construction, but he's recently been having Telly over, too.
Bert: Thank you, Ernie. Ernie. Yep, whenever we're short on rent, I can always count on my of buddy Bert to trick up a few extra bucks.
Bert. Shut up, Ernie.
Koala: If I may move away from the topic of sex for a moment. Ernie, do you get a lot of play?
Ernie:Let me put it this way.. It takes two puppeteers just to make me take a shit, and last Saturday, I had a whole crew of'em working in my bedroom.
Koala: You took a shit in your bedroom?!
Ernie: No, I didn't take a shit in my bedroom! I was, you know, teaching others how to share.
Koala: Sounds sultry. Any other scandals rocking this street?
Ernie: More than you'd ever believe.
Koala: I heard you two were involved in a bit of a scuffle a few days ago.
Ernie: Yeah, some dealer rolled up here.
Bert: Dealers are always checkin' out this street.
Ernie: You'd think cTw stood for "crack-Tokin´-whores".
Bert: I bought a twentysack off of him, and I swear to god he only sold me a nickel rock!
Ernie: Dealers are always trying to burn us. We have this reputation for being real nice.
Koala: What did you do about it?
Bert: We gave him a little lesson in counting, if you know what I mean.
Koala: To tell the truth, I have no idea what you mean.
Ernie: Neither do I.
Bert: Well, that makes three of us. Pass the paper bag and the spray can, Ernie.
Koala: Any shocking affairs you can tell our
readers about?
Ernie: Hmm.. I really shouldn't tell you... Let's just say it involves Luis from the fix-it shop and a certain blonde three-foot hussy who's got no legs.
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Koala: Could you be talking about Betty Lou?
Ernie: You said it, not me.
Bert: Hey, could you put something in there about us pimp-slappin' them ho's?
Koala: Sure.
[Bert and Ernie pimp-slap several ho's]
Koala: Are there any stories you'd like to share about memorable moments on the set?
Ernie: Well, there was this one time... Me and Candace Bergen were singing the alphabet song. All of a sudden, Candace doubles over and pukes up like two quarts of 'Night Train.' Right before I was about to do my solo of four through ten.
Bert: Four through ten are numbers, Ernie. They're not part of the alphabet song.
Ernie: Do me a favor, Bert?
Bert: What is it, Ernie?
Ernie: Shut the fuck up, you're high. So anyways, I look down at her pile of puke and I see a big clump of dark blue fur right in the middle of it.
Koala: That's great. Would you like to tell any stories that don't involve sex scandals?
Bert: No. So this one time, I was chillin' at this bus stop, when who should come up and ask if he could suck my dick for coke? Bob Sagat, himself. Bible truth.
Koala: That never happened. You stole that from that movie, 'Half Baked!'
Bert: Oh, so I did. Anyway, I says to him, 'Okay Bob, but don't use no teeth this time, and-'
Ernie: Hey, sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering when I'm going to get that double scotch you promised me.
Koala: I never promised you that.
Ernie: My mistake. In conclusion, I'd like to say that Sesame Street is brought to you by the letters J and O, and the E is brought to us by a man who calls himself Mr. Q.
Koala: Are you done?
Bert: Oh, and one more thing. [Somebody] said they'd like to take [somebody's heart or something] and put it in a blender or something.
Ernie: You didn't write that down.
Koala: I'll remember it.
Bert: No, you won't!
Koala: Sure, I will. |
