HOW TO FUCK YOUR WAY INTO THE KOALA

By: Percival "Mad Dog" Terwilligger

Many students, upon hearing of my affiliation with this fine publication, ask me how they too can become involved with our literary heritage. As such, I thought I'd use this space to address all of these questions for everyone to read. Basically, there are two ways to become a part of the ongoing hedonistic tradition that is The Koala. One way involves submitting articles and writing various other funny jokes. However, since the only decent humor writers on campus ALREADY are on staff, I'd advise most of you to go for the second option: acquire fame, fortune and the respect of the international literary community by fucking The Koala Staff. And yes, before you ask, this DOES apply only to women. In the unlikely event that we come across a funny girl that actually wants to be on staff (Odds:2*10^23 to 1), we may begin accepting male groupie applicants. In the meantime, only ladies need apply. Let's go over the 3 basic steps to seducing your way into The Koala, shall we?
1. Attend a Koala Staff Meeting.
This part is rather easy. Meetings occur every Friday from about 4PM on, and every Wednesday at 8PM. If you find these times unworkable in your schedule, please feel free to contact us and we will be more than happy to make alternative arrangements.
2. Get Naked.
Self explanatory. Though if you want to wear boots or masks or whatever, please feel free. This is only a general guideline.

3. Engage in Torrid Sexual Intercourse With The Koala Staff.
The important thing here is creativity. Nothing will ingraciate you to The Koala like being creative. Anyone can show up and engage in missionary-style "banging" with the Staff, so try to stand out. Past favorites have included lap-dances, crisco-twister and interpretive puppeteering. Try to say or do something truly memorable.
Beyond that, the important thing to remember is that being on staff is not for everyone, so don't get too down if you don't succeed in whoring your way into The Koala. Remember that there are many other publications on campus that, if not quite Koala-caliber, are nevertheless always looking for willing groupies. The Guardian. in particular, has been unusually sexually destitute since we Crushingly defeated them at softball, winning over the undying devotion of all of their former groupies. Or, if pasty white newspaper boys aren't your type, you could try out those feisty Voz Fronteriza guys:
they have that exotic "latin" thing going on. Que Picante!